Sometimes, it feels like all I’m doing is avoiding the grief. While I am so in love with Evan, as a mother I think I grieve in a different way and it’s especially been hard since we are still on two different wavelengths as to when we want to try again. I haven’t really talked to anyone who’s been through what I just went through. Many people have reached out to me with similar stories of grief, but for whatever reason I haven’t wanted to open up to them.
I ran yesterday for the first time in a long time. I ran alone up a dirt road by our house. When you get to the top of the hill it overlooks Manhattan, KS. It’s really a beautiful picture of God’s creation. I cried through half of the run. I was listening to In Christ Alone by Keith & Kristyn Getty and heard the words:
“No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny”
And I try to remember this promise. Paxton is healed. My life is in His hands. I know that if/when we have another baby, it will be God’s timing and I know that Evan is grieving too, but I just want to sob with another mom who knows this pain. I want to cry out my selfish desires to her without judgement.
A few of the girlfriends a made here are pregnant. I wasn’t as difficult as I thought it was going to be to spend time with them. Those girls are truly are answers to prayer for me. One is having a baby boy who I’ve felt kick in her precious tummy. We went to breakfast one morning and I shared with her the pictures and videos of Paxton when he was very much alive. She grieved with me. Her tears meant so much to me. Another just found out she’s pregnant, and I rejoiced with her. Genuinely, I am so thrilled she get’s to be a mom. I can’t wait to meet their beautiful babies. But, I’ve also met women who are grieving difficult pregnancies and infant loss. It’s terrible. The amount of women who go through something like this surprised me. I am not alone. I have joined a program called The Finley Project. My support person should be reaching out to me soon and I eagerly look forward to meeting her. I pray that she can be a light to me in the middle of this.
This is a poem written my Chelsea Johnson that is displays on The Finley Project’s page:
I asked God…
What do you do when you lose your baby, a twin, when everything about her reminds you of him?
How is so much pain in this life ever a part of your plan, when you could have stopped it before it ever began?
Do you really believe that I can handle all you have allowed me to walk through, while still fully and faithfully believing and trusting in you?
What happens to me when everyone else has moved on, and I’m left with the brokenness and grief of losing my son?
And He Answered…
My child, I know your heart breaks and the pain seems too much to bear
I heard your desperate pleas to save your child, in that very moment, I was right there
And although it doesn’t seem fair, to lose a life so precious and pure
I must tell you some things, of which you can be sure
Despite what you are enduring, my promises are still true
I know the end from the beginning, so you can fear not, for I am God and I am with you
Don’t try to understand, because my ways are higher than yours, and my plan is without flaw I am God, and you must not forget that it was my son whom I freely gave to redeem you from the law
See you were bought with a price, and it came at a high cost
I know the pain of losing a son, but it was worth the price to save the lost
His life was perfect, but His job was done
And this is the same for this story, this is the same for your son
I work all things together for good, because you love me, and you know that death is not the end
And you can have the peace of knowing that you will see your son again
You are blessed in your mourning, and you will be comforted, so that you may comfort others You have walked an uncommon road and journey, that I have not called for most mothers
As you continue in this life, walk by faith and not by sight
And when I call you home, it is only then that you will fully realize, that everything is indeed alright.