I’m terrified of the future. The unknown of what lies before me is intimidating. The possibilities are endless. What if I have a difficult time getting pregnant again? What if I have multiple miscarriages? And the most frightening thought of them all, what if I get pregnant again and we end up back in the NICU? These thoughts consume me every single day. They’re lies. I know they are. God’s truth tells me that He is in control. He knows what lies ahead. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself” Matthew 6:34. That should comfort me, right? Well, right now it doesn’t.
Right now, I want Paxton. I want my baby. And since he’s gone, I want to try again, but these thoughts crowd my mind. This probably scared Evan. I bring it up all the time. “When do you wanna try again? How many healthy periods should I have before we start trying again?” I poke and I prod, but I know for my mental health I must be patient. That is not a great quality that I have, patience. I need to work on that.
Evan reminds me that he’s set to deploy this time next year. Obviously, he wants to be here for the birth of our next child. Yet, I’m impatient. I think, I’ll have a couple healthy periods and then by January or February I should ready to start trying again. The reality is, if we are able to get pregnant by February and if I carry to term (Will I be able to carry to term?), then Evan will be gone and will miss the birth. How can I be okay with this? How could I be so selfish that I would even consider that Evan missing the birth of our next child would be fine? Especially after what we just endured. But, I don’t want to wait until he gets back. That could be 2 years from now. Two years! I’m a monster.
So, I bury myself in Gilmore Girls. Stars Hollow is my escape. It’s not very healthy of me, to binge a TV show I’ve already watched through numerous times. I should be reading or exercising or socializing. Oh well. I’ll do that later. For now, I get to escape from my thoughts for a little. Thank you, Lorelai.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!” Psalm 139:23
Paxton's Mom 
May I first say what an amazingly beautiful picture. Second what a powerful post today and I hesitate to reply as I don’t want to intrude into your journey but something is making me write tonight. If I am over stepping please let me know because I would never want to cause you any more pain.I know we don’t really know each other well but your present journey was once mine… Not exactly the same but close so all the things you wrote tonight were once my thoughts many years ago. I spent 3 months curled up in a ball in my bed and didn’t want to do anything, I just cried it was all I could do. Blogs didn’t exist so I started a journal which helped. I think doing this blog is a great idea your 1st step… I was told I couldn’t have any more children so trying again wasn’t even an option, I didn’t think about trying. My 1st step was to start living again which I really wasn’t doing I was just being. One day I woke up out of the fog and the pain wasn’t so bad, it was there but it wasn’t consuming me and I started breathing again and slowly started living again. One day I woke up and I had the flu I was so sick for days, finally I went to the doctor and he ran some tests and the next day he called me and told me to sit down .. they were wrong … I was pregnant!! 4 months along and I went to the bathroom and I was covered in blood and had passed a huge clot, I had miscarried. We rushed to the hospital and my doctor checked me and to every ones surprise I was still pregnant (I was pregnant with twins and had only miscarried 1) I stayed in the hospital for 3 months and then they let me go home bed rest and limited standing up time. My daughter came a few weeks later of course early weighing in at 4 pounds 8 ounces. We named her Amanda Elizabeth ( a gift from God ). I went on to have two more pregnancies the next was twins which I lost and then I had my son. Shortly after his birth I was rushed into surgery massive internal bleeding and had to have everything removed. God knew what he was doing in my life, I just had to let him do it. You are so much further ahead then I was in so many ways and in time you are going to be right where God wants you to be. From my journey I just want to pass on to you … feel everything and write it down. Never forget which I know you won’t. Heal in your time and in your own way (mine was curled up in a ball, if yours is in a TV show so be it, it is okay and there is nothing wrong with it). When you are ready begin to live and most important … starting today no time tables no thinking about healthy periods no pressures no trying no planning and no worries because God has this. Live and Love each other and keep the beautiful faith you both have. I send you both my love and many good vibrations … Xo
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