I miss you so much. I think about you all the time. I wish I had more time with you. I wish I could have held you more. I wish I could have kissed you more. You were so small and pure and innocent. You made me a mom. I will forever remember you. I will remember the first time I saw you. The moment you were born, your dad and I could not believe our eyes. You were so strong. I was told you tried to cry. Baby, I wish I got to hear you cry. I remember the first time you opened your eyes. I would talk to you and you would look in my direction. I remember changing your first diaper. I loved doing that because it meant I got to hold you through your isolette, even if only for a few minutes. I remember holding your hand. You would grip my finger. I would do anything to do that right now. I remember reading to you and singing to you. Dad and I are so proud of you. You are the strongest kid we know. You fought so hard your whole life. You taught me so much about myself. You taught me empathy and because of you, my faith is renewed. I can’t wait to hold you again, to feel you in my arms. I can’t wait to feel your warmth and to know more about you. We didn’t have enough time together, but I know we’ll have an eternity. I’ll be with you again someday, but until then know that mommy loves you.
3 thoughts on “Dear Paxton,”
I wish everyday that I could have made this happen for you and Evan. It breaks my heart! But I am so thankful that God and you allowed me to care for him. I will forever be changed and hold a special place in my heart for Paxton and his wonderful mommy and daddy. I will never forget the first time you were able to hold him, when you were able to weigh him, do oral care, how you would pray before leaving him for the evening, and most of all I can always here you say, “Paxton, mommy loves you, mommy loves you so much.” I don’t know why, but when I would here you say that, the room was filled with so much love that lasts the whole night through. I cannot wait to see you all again real soon!! Please know that I’m praying for you and Evan every day. 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏.
Molly – I don’t know you but I felt compelled to comment – I have no words for your sorrow or your grief. I’m sorry for your loss, the loss of a child is the greatest to bear. I do know that by writing and sharing your feelings, you have taken a step to actively deal with your grief and this shows your strength and resilience. God Bless you, Evan and Paxton.