I’m terrified of the future. The unknown of what lies before me is intimidating. The possibilities are endless. What if I have a difficult time getting pregnant again? What if I have multiple miscarriages? And the most frightening thought of them all, what if I get pregnant again and we end up back in the NICU? These thoughts consume me every single day. They’re lies. I know they are. God’s truth tells me that He is in control. He knows what lies ahead. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself” Matthew 6:34. That should comfort me, right? Well, right now it doesn’t.
Right now, I want Paxton. I want my baby. And since he’s gone, I want to try again, but these thoughts crowd my mind. This probably scared Evan. I bring it up all the time. “When do you wanna try again? How many healthy periods should I have before we start trying again?” I poke and I prod, but I know for my mental health I must be patient. That is not a great quality that I have, patience. I need to work on that.
Evan reminds me that he’s set to deploy this time next year. Obviously, he wants to be here for the birth of our next child. Yet, I’m impatient. I think, I’ll have a couple healthy periods and then by January or February I should ready to start trying again. The reality is, if we are able to get pregnant by February and if I carry to term (Will I be able to carry to term?), then Evan will be gone and will miss the birth. How can I be okay with this? How could I be so selfish that I would even consider that Evan missing the birth of our next child would be fine? Especially after what we just endured. But, I don’t want to wait until he gets back. That could be 2 years from now. Two years! I’m a monster.
So, I bury myself in Gilmore Girls. Stars Hollow is my escape. It’s not very healthy of me, to binge a TV show I’ve already watched through numerous times. I should be reading or exercising or socializing. Oh well. I’ll do that later. For now, I get to escape from my thoughts for a little. Thank you, Lorelai.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!” Psalm 139:23